what the day brings…

Something about the mid-morning sun. It’s so bright it’s blinding. Looking in its direction makes the air seem hazy. Turning away from it makes things seem clearer. It gives the first indication of what kind of day this be. Will you look toward the sun, trusting the warmth of its rays on your face or look away? Let’s see what the day brings.
Ok, so I’m working on something. I guess you can call it a dream. I’ve never worked on one before so bear with me while I get this off my chest first.

Those who know me can attest to me being a pretty passionate person most days. What I love, I LOVE. Something I LOVE is music. If you’re within my proximity when I hear music you’ll understand clearly. Trust.

Music is seriously a life force for me. I don’t do much without it playing in the background. I teach it, sing it, conduct it, and secretly compose it. I’m writing this entry to it. I literally stalk it, yeah it’s intense. I love music. I do. In the purest way both literally and figuratively, I love music and have fallen in love with music. It became the first thing I could recall outside of my mother that could get an emotional response out of me. Stevie Wonder’s ‘Songs in the Key of Life’ made me weep as a toddler. Like. Weep.

 
Music became my comfort, my safe space, best friend and confidante. All of those awesome records my mom had in our home, every genre, gospel, jazz, soul, and I was sold. Music made me happy and warm, created memories and told stories better than I ever could. Made me wish for love and want to fly. It still does. It still takes me to places that I never imagined. Harmonies, chords and beats still make me high. It allowed me to get lost in its endless melodies and lyrics until one day, I lost myself. I was so enraptured by it that I missed when it became what held me captive and no longer set me free. I missed when it became the one thing I could never tell no, the cost never mattered. Music became more than what I loved but what I needed. It was addictive. It was where I felt most celebrated and special. Its demands were never too much until one day they were. It was my constant, my go-to, my no brainer and pick-me-up. Seeing me without music was unheard of, still is. It became where I hid even when I didn’t realize I was hiding. Music taught me my biggest lessons and I respected my teacher. I learned patience and resilience. I learned my capacity to give and how to work under pressure. It taught me how to encourage and empower others yet the lessons I taught, I rarely learned them myself. Music has made me dizzyingly happy and painfully sad. Isn’t that what real love feels like? At least that’s what I thought. I could never imagine that one day music would not love me back. Let me explain, my love of music took me on a journey that allowed me to meet and work with others who loved music as much as I did. But as I learned later than sooner, love sometimes hurts. It’s not all about what music did but what I allowed it to do and who I allowed it to become. It became my one and only, my forever love, my habit, my drug. I wrapped my self esteem in it waiting for it to tell me how special I was. I cried bitter tears when it chose others and left me wondering if I was good enough. Still I waited for it to call and shower me with melodies and lyrics and it didn’t disappoint. Daily I searched for more and found keys and chords and beats and rhymes that made me weak. Music was my world and I couldn’t breathe without it. I didn’t see life outside of it until one day, I did. Something caught my attention. Something so wonderful that it scares me to my core. Something so awesome that it seems way too awesome for me. A dream.

Seeeee…I brought it back around, we’re you worried?

My dream. *deep breath

Like a real, honest, can’t wait to see it unfold, it’s WAY too big for me to even consider, what am I thinking at 44, dream, a saying out loud might jinx it all dream. You may wonder what it could be but I’ll share that as we go. You’re coming with me right?

Yay. Ok cool beans!

So why the whole music thing before I got here and I would have to say because it was necessary. In a very sobering conversation with my mentor over the holidays I was forced to look at what I’ve allowed myself to become. Afraid. The space I built for refuge became my prison and until I acknowledged that, I would never be free to be or do anything else. My dream became too big for me as soon as I had it because music called and I answered quickly and it took up all of the air in the room. It was suffocating. Not wanting to fight what seemed to be a losing battle, I told my dream it was too much for me. How could this compete with music? I would have to choose. How could I learn to love this dream like I love music? How could I give myself to a stranger? Would this be worth the sacrifice? This dream doesn’t know me! How will it make me feel? Would it love me back? So undone, I was ready to break up with my dream before we began. But my dream wouldn’t go away quietly. It whispered loudly making me notice it in the oddest places until there was no denying it. My heart had feelings for another. Before, where my dream only had my attention, now it has my intention. We’re starting slow, getting to know each other and so far the journey is really sweet. I can’t wait to see what adventures we’ll have together. I didn’t break up with music; it will always be my first love. I’m discovering how to make space in my heart to love something else in order to build something amazing. Instead of allowing it to consume all of me, I’m learning to let it be a part of me. It’s still my life’s score and soundtrack and now it will be the same to my dream. And I think we’ll be great.

Even if the mid morning sun is blinding and air seems hazy I’m heading toward it, trusting its rays to warm my face, making me brave enough to dance to the music and chase my dream.